The End of Shane the Shit

Feeling like shit, Shane crumpled onto the damp park bench and wondered what he was going to do with his shit-life now.


He’d been sacked from his shit-job as public lavatory attendant because he didn’t give a shit for the work, consistently failing to clean around the top inside of the toilet bowl where all sorts of shit had a way of building up; he’d been physically thrown out of his shitty bedsit by his Kurdish shit of a landlord for falling behind with the rent; his ugly little shit of a North  Korean girlfriend had unceremoniously dumped him after a couple of months for being a useless piece of shite; he had no family to speak of as he'd never managed to stay in a relationship for long enough to sire one because somehow he just couldn't get his shit together; he was now past fifty and balding and looked as appealing as a desiccated shit-turd; and he had lost all the shitty friends he ever had because everyone found him tedious and boring and not worth a shit!

The only way out of all this shit-mess was to lie down and die right there and then on that cold dank park bench with a pile of newly-deposited dog-shite a few feet away. What stopped him from doing this so far was the idea that it would probably be a long and painful shit of a process and, in any case, some cop would most likely move him on or slap him with a shit of a fine for vagrancy! And that was the last piece of shit he needed before bowing out of this shitty life. 


But the reality was that he couldn’t afford shit like lethal drugs, didn’t have a shitty gun, couldn't stomach the idea of stabbing himself and bleeding to death or dangling from a rope round his neck, his feet thrashing around, gradually having the shit-life squeezed out of him (while he shitted himself from loss of control of his bowels), and he had a paranoid shit of a fear of heights, so throwing himself off a cliff or some shit like that was too shit-scary to even think about, as he knew the descent itself might knock the shit out of him before he dropped like shit onto the ground and he would die several times over like the useless piece of shite he was!

Hungry and undecided, he hauled himself up from the bench and headed for the nearest McDonald’s restaurant to eat some shit and think more clearly on a full stomach, but as he started to cross the busy main road, dodging the traffic, some shit bastard of a driver mustn't have seen him and literally tore straight into Shane the Shit, knocking the shit out of him for good! Shane lay there unmoving, killed on the spot and as dead as shit, and for all anyone cared he might as well have been another oversized piece of freshly laid dog-shite. But at least Shane had had a result, be it more by accident than design, and was now done with his mega-shit of a life and on his way to Shit-Heaven.!

Amen to that…

World's Worst Jobs I

Some of you out there may think you have a lousy or bum job and wish you could escape to something better. But before you do anything rash, just take a look at a couple of really bum jobs and see if you don't then think differently about yours and decide instead to count your blessings. Unless of course you're already doing one of the world's worst jobs! So here we go...

Rich pickings... pity it's shit!

This job opposite has to be a serious contender for the worst job in the world. It may not be hazardous (though I'm not too sure about that) but aside from that it's not got a lot going for it. Catching giant elephant turds in a sack as they are ejected from the animal's backside is not for the squeamish, but, on the evidence of this picture, the fairer sex may be better equipped for this kind of work. Just kidding! But the woman doing the collecting here seems to have a knack for it, keeping her head well back, and looks bent on harvesting a bumper crop of turds. Let's hope she has a second sack standing by just in case, you never know. Let's also hope she gets a promotion after a few years of bagging elephant shite while others stand by watching and snapping pictures for posterity.  After all, such a... shitty... job is not for everyone. Well, would you do it?

Now let me see, where did that thermometer go?

Let's now go on to see another contender for world's worst job, still on the same theme, since we're in crap mode, as it were. If you thought the above job was bad enough, the individual in this next crappy job has gone one better and literally wormed his way up the elephant's arse! Whereas the woman above waits for the shit to come to her, this guy is pro-active and goes after it deep inside Dumbo. He's probably on a tight schedule and can't hang around waiting for a dumb elephant to shit at will. Ready or not, he's half way up Dumbo's arse before anyone can say Oliphant! Moreover this technique has the advantage that he can cherry-pick the best of the crop. I only hope he's remembered to take a torchlight with him because I imagine it's pretty damn dark in there! 


Well, there you have it. Two literally shit jobs out of a host of shit jobs, all of which means I'll be back with some more samples of contenders for the title of world's worst jobs. So, are you already seeing your own job in a different light, appreciating its good points and its perks more than ever before?  I hope so.