The End of Shane the Shit

Feeling like shit, Shane crumpled onto the damp park bench and wondered what he was going to do with his shit-life now.


He’d been sacked from his shit-job as public lavatory attendant because he didn’t give a shit for the work, consistently failing to clean around the top inside of the toilet bowl where all sorts of shit had a way of building up; he’d been physically thrown out of his shitty bedsit by his Kurdish shit of a landlord for falling behind with the rent; his ugly little shit of a North  Korean girlfriend had unceremoniously dumped him after a couple of months for being a useless piece of shite; he had no family to speak of as he'd never managed to stay in a relationship for long enough to sire one because somehow he just couldn't get his shit together; he was now past fifty and balding and looked as appealing as a desiccated shit-turd; and he had lost all the shitty friends he ever had because everyone found him tedious and boring and not worth a shit!

The only way out of all this shit-mess was to lie down and die right there and then on that cold dank park bench with a pile of newly-deposited dog-shite a few feet away. What stopped him from doing this so far was the idea that it would probably be a long and painful shit of a process and, in any case, some cop would most likely move him on or slap him with a shit of a fine for vagrancy! And that was the last piece of shit he needed before bowing out of this shitty life. 


But the reality was that he couldn’t afford shit like lethal drugs, didn’t have a shitty gun, couldn't stomach the idea of stabbing himself and bleeding to death or dangling from a rope round his neck, his feet thrashing around, gradually having the shit-life squeezed out of him (while he shitted himself from loss of control of his bowels), and he had a paranoid shit of a fear of heights, so throwing himself off a cliff or some shit like that was too shit-scary to even think about, as he knew the descent itself might knock the shit out of him before he dropped like shit onto the ground and he would die several times over like the useless piece of shite he was!

Hungry and undecided, he hauled himself up from the bench and headed for the nearest McDonald’s restaurant to eat some shit and think more clearly on a full stomach, but as he started to cross the busy main road, dodging the traffic, some shit bastard of a driver mustn't have seen him and literally tore straight into Shane the Shit, knocking the shit out of him for good! Shane lay there unmoving, killed on the spot and as dead as shit, and for all anyone cared he might as well have been another oversized piece of freshly laid dog-shite. But at least Shane had had a result, be it more by accident than design, and was now done with his mega-shit of a life and on his way to Shit-Heaven.!

Amen to that…

As I walked out one morning...

Tomorrow I would be setting out on an incredible journey, a journey to see the world, and I would be going alone. I would leave behind everyone and everything and would strike out for the unknown.

I knew very little of the outside world, but I was young, strong, keen, full of energy, naïve and ready to risk all to satisfy my curiosity, my thirst for knowledge, That was more than enough for me.

As I stood out in the open among the shadows of the evening, a cool gentle breeze caressing my face and with the glorious sight of the setting sun slowly going down over the horizon, I tried to imagine what my leaving would be like and whether I would falter at the last moment and turn back, overwhelmed by a sudden rush of misgivings.


I saw myself striding out confidently and walking into the distance, glancing back now and again to wave goodbye to my devoted mother and then eventually disappearing from view, leaving behind the certainties of an existence I knew for the uncertainties of a future unknown but always beckoning. Where I had come from would recede from sight and where I was going to would rise before me, beckoning. A door to my past would close fast as a door to the future opened, inviting me to pass through.

I was nervous and a little afraid but I was bold and I felt ready. And most important of all, I was determined. It was now or never. Now that I had my youth and my health, now that I could start afresh, again and again, if need be.

I looked up a the darkening sky, ahead at the disappearing sun, down at the growing shadows and I felt a certain frisson run down my spine. The world was out there waiting for me and this was one appointment with destiny that I would not miss.

But all that was for tomorrow. This was tonight and I needed to get a good night’s sleep, as I would be striking out early in the morning with the first light of day. I had to be clear-minded and strong.

I turned around and made my way back inside, ascended the stairs to my bedroom, as my mother and my little brother slept, and lay on my bed in the dark without bothering to change. I cleared my mind of everything and I was soon somewhere far away; tonight I slept, but tomorrow I would be setting out on a journey of a lifetime.

********************

That was many years ago, and I do not regret it. I had the naivety and the rashness of youth at the time. And today I’m here to tell the tale. Now my ambitions are not so grand. Now surviving from one day to the next exercises me enough. I had my time and I lived it. Soon it will be time to know another world… I am already tiring of this one….